Any child who grows up under the tutelage of the church is bound to be very familiar with Ephesians 6:1–2: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ’Honor your father and mother’ (this is the first commandment with a promise).” It is not typically difficult to interpret what this means for a five-year-old: when Daddy says to pick up the toys, do so without grumbling or complaining. The application becomes more nuanced, however, when one grows up to be a man.
For me, the question is an open one as to when the command to obey one’s parents ceases to be the guiding principle in the relationship. (See below for a discussion on this point.) Whenever this transfer takes place, however, the word of God still holds sway over the son’s actions and attitude toward his father and mother. For all of his days, a son is obliged to “honor” them.
There are arguably no two greater exemplars of this trait (outside of Christ, of course) than the pious protagonist of the book of Ruth and the pious protagonist of Virgil’s Aeneid. Ruth is a woman of noble character.1 She leaves her homeland and vows to go wherever Naomi goes, come what may; she works to provide for Naomi; she seeks out and follows Naomi’s advice regarding Boaz; and, in the end, she provides Naomi with another son.2 Aeneas refuses to abandon his father; he carries him on his back out of burning Troy; he humbly accepts his guidance to find his destined home in Italy; he devotedly celebrates his father’s memory with a grand ceremony and funeral games; and he literally travels through Hades to see him one last time.
Though it is not always clear how to be a Ruth or an Aeneas in a post-Christian, anti-authority 21st century, we would do well to take a few cues from them both. Typically I do not care for acronymic applications, but having considered and preached on the application of this idea for the modern independent adult, I have found it extremely helpful to think of the honoring of one’s parents in terms of the phrase “P.R.E.S.S. in.”
Pray
Honoring one’s parents begins with prayer. Prayer should be at the center of everything we do as Christians. Again and again throughout Scripture, we see examples and injunctions to pray. Pray without ceasing.3 Pray for all kinds of people.4 Make supplications for all the saints.5 Not the least of these prayers should be for our parents and our relationships with them. Though we cannot stop with prayer, there is nothing more powerful we can do for our parents than to pray for them.6
Relate
Honoring also means relating. We should seek to have a relationship with our parents. This is not equally possible for all people and all parents, but seeking relationship is an important way to love our parents, particularly later in their lives when, for many reasons, loneliness can seep in. Communicate with them. Call them. Spend time enjoying their company, maybe by finding a common interest or hobby. Visit them. Get to know them more. Ask them questions about the life they’ve lived, and seek to enjoy hearing stories you’ve heard before. Talk to them about trivial things, and talk to them about Christ and the most important things. They are people, and though we are not suddenly their equals, we can love them by relating to them.
Esteem
Honoring means Esteeming. In Leviticus 19:32, God commanded the Israelites to “stand up before the gray head and honor the face of an old man.” If Israel was to esteem the elderly, how much more should Christians esteem their parents. We should esteem our parents before our parents and before others. We should thank them for all they did for us and taught us when we were children, including, particularly for Christian parents, the values and knowledge they instilled in us. We should thank them for the role they continue to play in our lives. We should boast about our parents before others, so that those who have not met our parents are excited to do so. Christians should honor their parents in the way they talk to and about them.
Serve
Honoring means serving. This principle can wear a million faces, but the heart that desires to serve will consistently find creative ways to do so. Of course we ought to assist them financially, as is necessary and possible, but there is an opportunity to uniquely be the hands and feet of Jesus when we serve them with our own bodies. As parents get older, we can be the ones to help them mow their lawn. As they perhaps move toward needing constant care, we can consider being the ones to provide it. When they can no longer drive, we can take them to see friends. Though every situation needs to be considered individually, we ought to be people who desire to serve our parents as they served us. To take care of them and love them through service is a gift we won’t regret giving and receiving.
Seek wisdom
Finally, honoring means seeking parental wisdom. As Job 12:12 says, “Wisdom is with the aged, and understanding in length of days.” Parents, saved or not, have wisdom from experience that they can give. Sometimes we will genuinely need their counsel, but we honor our parents when we find excuses to ask them for their advice. This can range from the everyday to serious decision-making to, for Christian parents, spiritual guidance. What tips do they have on child-rearing? How did they approach meal-planning as parents with small children? Do they have any ideas on why the car won’t start? Should you take that job? Should you confront that friend? What disciplines have led to the most growth in their faith? What has God taught them lately? It is likely that an adult child will not take all of this advice to heart, but parents spend their lives gaining wisdom and understanding; it is fitting that they should have the chance to share it with their children who love them, and who will probably learn much more than they might have anticipated.
Children, may we, like Ruth and Aeneas, honor our parents. May we pray for them, relate to them, esteem them, serve them, and seek their wisdom. Bless them, and remember, in so doing, you, too, will be blessed.
In Ephesians 6:1, the word “children” (meτέκνα (tekna)), is fairly vague—referring to ”a child” or perhaps “a dependent child” (Strong’s #5043). This allows for potential flexibility in application, and other Scripture seems to indicate that an older person might be expected to obey their parents. For example, Deuteronomy 21:18–21 expects childlike obedience from a son who is old enough to be known as a glutton and a drunkard, and old enough to deserve death by stoning. And though descriptive rather than prescriptive, Jacob was seventy-one6 when he “listened to”/”obeyed” (from שָׁמַע (shama)) his parents’ directive to go to Paddan-aram to find a wife.7
None of this is conclusive, but based on these kinds of passages, and considering the family structure in Bible times (e.g. the position of the Roman Pater familias), there is room to speculate that “children” originally included people a modern reader might categorize as a “young adult”—say, at twenty-five or thirty years old. In other words, it is naggingly possible that an original reader would have interpreted the verse to mean, “Children thirty years old and younger, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”
Though this consideration occasionally gives me pause, I remain convinced that the age limit of complete obligatory obedience is culturally or even familially defined. For Jews, this may have been at thirteen, at the time of a Bar or Bat Mitzvah. For Greek boys, perhaps eighteen.8 For Greek girls, fourteen.9 Though I hope to research the point more thoroughly, it seems that there comes a point, at least in healthy relationships, when father and child mutually recognize that the child is independent. Whenever that is, a child is no longer obligated to obey.
- Ruth 3:11 ↩︎
- Ruth 4:17 ↩︎
- 1 Thessalonians 5:17 ↩︎
- 1 Timothy 2:1 ↩︎
- Ephesians 6:18 ↩︎
- Cf. James 5:16 ↩︎
- This is calculated by ascertaining Jacob’s age at Joseph’s birth (cf. Genesis 41:46, 53–54; 45:11; 47:9) and working backward to the time he started working for Laban (cf. Genesis 30:25; 31:38). ↩︎
- Genesis 28:7 ↩︎
- See “The Age of Majority in Athens” by David Welsh ↩︎
- See “Ancient Greek Models of Marriage and Family,” Humanities LibreTexts by UC Davis ↩︎
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